It’s so wrong it’s right really. The NME Cool List is out and although it’s everything we hate – and we wouldn’t trust the mag to pick out a tie for us for a photocopying job at AMEX – we just lap it up. So the bloke from Gallows ‘won’ this year? Can’t say we’re too fussed either way but it was good to see Jamie Klaxons up there, and Lovefoxxx too. Foals’ Yannis makes a showing (we can’t imagine how pissed off he is about it), as does the lovely Joe Lean, the only Brighton related entries (both have been on our covers) meaning we might do our own version for the end of year mag.
Anyway, here’s the list, and our opinion on each. Enjoy.
1. Frank Carter of Gallows: are tattoos and shouting enough?
2. Jamie Reynolds of Klaxons (13): completely, effortlessly cool
3. Lovefoxxx of CSS (10): possibly the most fun girl in the whole world - wildly cool
4. Ryan Jarman of The Cribs: bog-standard indie bloke
5. Lethal Bizzle: grime fella finds coolness with new indie tribe, can't you hack it with the real MCs, mate?
6. Alex Turner of Arctic Monkeys (32): clever fella but not really cool, almost anti-cool really
7. Kate Nash: a bit mumsy to be cool, tries too hard
8. Amy Winehouse (50): do drugs make you cool?
9. Beth Ditto of The Gossip (1): no-nonsense but not that cool really, rolling around the floor on every gig is funny but in danger of becoming self-parody
10. Keith Richards (26): old school cool
11. MIA: a bit of a twat, self important, some good tunes
12. Thom Yorke of Radiohead (9): shows that being fucked up isn't actually melenchollic like being in a movie, but has got a quality woky eye
13. Drew McConnell of Babyshambles: no one in such a half-arsed band is cool, but he's busy with the Love Music Hate Racism revival
14. Prince: was cool once but turning against you fans isn’t cool, and he was shit when we saw him live with all his jazz-funk jams
15. Tom Clarke of The Enemy: ratfaced midget who's about as uncool as it gets
16. Noel Gallagher of Oasis: funny but not cool – fuck off grandad
17. Hayley Williams of Paramore: quite cute
18. Brandon’s Tache – Brandon Flowers, The Killers: cooler than he is by far
19. Matt Bellamy of Muse (27): Muse like ‘em or not – they aren’t cool at all
20. James Smith of Hadouken: the coolest bloke ever if you're 14 years old, a fool if over 25
21. Caleb Followill of Kings of Leon: gave up drugs and fucking for religeon, apparently
22. Matt Helders of Arctic Monkeys: couldn’t spot him in a line up
23. Eddie Argos of Art Brut: cool as hell, witty, silly, articulate, loads of ideas
24. Craig Finn of The Hold Steady: not a particually cool band but Meatbreak and Mrs Meatbreak love them and he said in an interview he's 56 years old - he's bloody cool for 5, if that's true
25. Morgan Yeah? of Does it Offend You, Yeah?: apparently very funny but we've never met him, so...
26. Simon Neil of Biffy Clyro (28): has a line from the Beach Boys' 'God Only Knows' tattooed on his chest - that's very cool
27. Simon Taylor of Klaxons: pretty cool, marrying Lovefoxx isn’t he?
28. Karen O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs (5): yeah, and always will be
29. Kele Okereke of Bloc Party: no, moody, self important cunt
30. Meg White of The White Stripes (24): a role model for kids with low level Downs
31. Tim Harrington of Les Savy Fav: bald with a massive beard, he looks like a real ale explorer and wears a babygrow on stage - very cool
32. Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance (8): goth fool, but has a sense of humour sometimes
33. Jamie T: pub entertainer, lose the band mate
34. Pete Doherty (28): smackhead, nuff said
35. Lou Hayter of New Young Pony Club: oh god, absolutely breathtakingly lovely and cool as ice
36. Ian Brown: yeah, 15 years ago maybe – a self parody now
37. Joe Lean of Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong: very much so, lovely bloke too, will be massive this time next year
38. Andy Burrows of Razorlight: no one in Razorlight can escape the Borrell touch, but Andy did play on Chris TT's album so all is not lost
39. Kyle Falconer of The View: no, The View are piss-weak
40. Nicky Wire of Manic Street Preachers: all mouth and skirts, an idiot basically
41. Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age: legend, a real man
42. Cole Alexander of Black Lips: lunatic who's stageshow involves piss, sick and nakedness of obviously very cool
43. Suki of Real Heat: never heard of her but she's wearing a cassette on a chain in the pic which looks try-hard to us
44. Brandon Flowers of The Killers (29): a bit of a twat, his band are too stadium but have two good songs though
45. Yannis Philippakis of Foals: fucking hero – feisty, intelligent and means it, man
46. Patrick Wolf: the indie Mika, a pastel-faced fool
47. Carlos D of Interpol: don’t care, the new album is weak
48. Santogold: r&b mate of MIA that we don’t know to be honest
49. Dev Hynes of Lightspeed Champion: bloke from average band goes solo - good outfit in the mag though
50. Spider Webb of The Horrors: the bloke looks like the Childcatcher for fuck's sake - scariest band we've seen at 5am when 'worse for wear'
Kendall
2 comments:
Jesus! This smacks of filler doesn't it? This lot in a room would provoke some kind of indifference explosion.
Haha. This is funny. How do you even know this is in the NME if you never read it hmmmmmmm? Thought Reynolds would be number one though, didn't realise lil' Frank was such a hot topic. Suddenly hardcore is cool, but err...only the one band yeh? I've got to defend poor Pattie Wolf - Mika is excruciatingly painful, total carcrash in waiting, vile even. Whereas P.Wolf was in Minty, has written some lovely songs and isn't in love with himself that much, not as far as I can tell anyways. Lethal Bizzle can do one too, what's the point of him? Wasn't Ryan Jarman the guy that jumped into the middle of that table at the NME awards a couple of years ago? Guess the sponsers wouldn't let him be in last years list. Craig Finn? Separation Sunday is in my Top Ten albums of all time. Dude's fuckin' weathered. That's enough from me. MxBx Rah Yannis!!!
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